Blossoms
I had a rough day yesterday. The swelling of grief can burst when one seems to be the most content. Memories of friends, alive and gone, were all the rage yesterday. I yearned for an old comfort, the touch of a friend, a smile from my childhood, a picture taken quietly in a moment of bliss. That’s what I wanted last night. I shy away from talking about my grief because it seems like a beaten topic. It is possible that it is just such a constant on my mind that I feel if I talk about it, it is redundant. Though this is my path. I watched that new television show last night, Brothers and Sisters. I love Calista Flockhart; old Ally McBeal moments make me smile. Though it was in this show that I realized I wanted a big family, lots of children. I am surely getting ahead of myself here. I think I generally need to be attached to someone who would help me on this level of procreation; oh God, mom, if you're reading this, I am of course still a virgin.
It is in these moments of loneliness that I dream. Though, not the dreams that are encountered during sleep. Ones instead that are confronted with eyes wide open, fully aware of and able to be manipulated. Those kind of dreams keep my focus when I feel the rest of the world is a blur, and I can’t fit anywhere.
These are days that I reach out to my friends. I have never had a support system like I do right now; at home, at work, across the country. I am lucky. And I am having a slumber party tonight. Why do we stop doing things that offered so much comfort when we were children? I loved, lived, and breathed slumber parties when I was waist high. Then they stopped right around the time that I needed them the most. College brings about broken hearts, changed paths, life altering events; I didn’t have many girlfriends during this time. Now, is a different story. I seek them out now. I cherish these budding blossoms, and tend to them, as they can be as fragile as the human heart. These girls are my heart. Living through moments of loneliness is a nice reminder that in the end I am not truly alone. At all. Again, I am sure I am losing your interest in my sappy gratitude, but God for once it’s a nice change of pace.
It is in these moments of loneliness that I dream. Though, not the dreams that are encountered during sleep. Ones instead that are confronted with eyes wide open, fully aware of and able to be manipulated. Those kind of dreams keep my focus when I feel the rest of the world is a blur, and I can’t fit anywhere.
These are days that I reach out to my friends. I have never had a support system like I do right now; at home, at work, across the country. I am lucky. And I am having a slumber party tonight. Why do we stop doing things that offered so much comfort when we were children? I loved, lived, and breathed slumber parties when I was waist high. Then they stopped right around the time that I needed them the most. College brings about broken hearts, changed paths, life altering events; I didn’t have many girlfriends during this time. Now, is a different story. I seek them out now. I cherish these budding blossoms, and tend to them, as they can be as fragile as the human heart. These girls are my heart. Living through moments of loneliness is a nice reminder that in the end I am not truly alone. At all. Again, I am sure I am losing your interest in my sappy gratitude, but God for once it’s a nice change of pace.
posted by amandakate at 8:02 AM
1 Comments:
Due to our mutual friend, James, I’ve had the good fortune of spending some time in your company Amanda, and each successive time I have become more and more enamored by your upbeat personality and intellectual prowess. By extension, the same goes for your blog; each entry is captivating and memorable. I’m intrigued by your recent solitude-of-sorts and consequent philosophizing. I can certainly relate to many of the feelings you’ve had the past couple of days and I have my own beliefs. Memories of the past help us deal with the realities of the future. The past is painful for many of us, some much more so than others, but it strengthens our resolve to make the most of tomorrow and avoid pain in the future. I know, sounds cliché, but it’s true. Loneliness brings out those memories hundredfold, but it makes us grateful for the “normalness” of typical life. I’m impressed with how well you deal with adversity, especially through your writing. Don’t stop thinking, that’s what intelligent, vibrant people do – they don’t settle for the mundane and they’re constantly questioning the past, present and future. Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts Amanda, I wish you the best and look forward to your next insightful entry. Zach
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