Days of Grief and Days of Joy
October 25 2006
That is today's date. I woke up thinking I had something to do all day. I woke up with someone watching me. I woke up in an empty room. Someone today told me that she was looking over her shoulder all day; though she wasn't sure why. Last year, I had to send birthday wishes to a dear friend. The woman looking over her shoulder, last year she was probably trying to find her sister. Her sister shared the same birthday with my friend. They were the same person; our Kate; a sister, a friend, a daughter, an aunt. She was everything to all and someone to one. Today is the anniversary of her life, and in less than a month I will be sitting here aware that at that specific time she made a decision to make that day the anniversary of her passing. Life and death are always so closely intertwined. I heard she drank some Sierra Nevada's on the eve of her death. So on the night of her birthday I have decided to cheers her from life to her grave with a bottle or two of her final brew.
Grief barrels forward. For me grief is a formulation of appreciating joy and relishing sadness. For the two are virtually inseparable. Grief is coming to terms that certain dreams must forever remain dreams; no matter how hard they are fought for. I can acknowledge the reason for my grief. My love of Kate in her life was so deep, so understood, so mutual. I don't grieve over our past; I grieve for what I will never have with her in my future.
I am watching a sister and a friend grieve over their own punctured or broken dreams. Grief doesn't have to born out of death; it can be born simply from a dream not ever being able to be realized. A sister, my sister gave birth to a baby girl on October 10, 2006. My niece entered this world with 10 fingers and 10 toes and 4 congenital heart defects. These defects fixable only by open heart surgery before she is six months old. I do not believe that the specific grief I am referencing will lead back to my niece. I believe the grief that is being generated at this moment belongs to my sister. She has already begun reshaping her point of reference from having two beautiful, healthy daughters to something that is now a new reality. This new normal consists of 2 beautiful daughters one who is healthy and may lead a normal life. And another daughter who will have to be nurtured in areas that do not involve contact sports and involves embracing individuality. Grief is relative; I cannot understand my sister's pain, possible guilt, and her humanness in regards to this situation. Emerson's birth is by no means a point of grief in itself. It is only a testament to something that was originally believed. It is now about creating new dreams and new visions for this daughter of hers. A friend, one of the best friends I could have is mourning a loss of a dream that was awoken from before it had actually even started. It does not make the pain any less; for the dream had already begun and taken hold. In both situations the sadness, regret and grief stem from what the original possibilities meant. The grief stems from a future we had anticipated and even come to expect. As humans we should know never to look past today for as sacred as each moment is; it too is temporary.
That is today's date. I woke up thinking I had something to do all day. I woke up with someone watching me. I woke up in an empty room. Someone today told me that she was looking over her shoulder all day; though she wasn't sure why. Last year, I had to send birthday wishes to a dear friend. The woman looking over her shoulder, last year she was probably trying to find her sister. Her sister shared the same birthday with my friend. They were the same person; our Kate; a sister, a friend, a daughter, an aunt. She was everything to all and someone to one. Today is the anniversary of her life, and in less than a month I will be sitting here aware that at that specific time she made a decision to make that day the anniversary of her passing. Life and death are always so closely intertwined. I heard she drank some Sierra Nevada's on the eve of her death. So on the night of her birthday I have decided to cheers her from life to her grave with a bottle or two of her final brew.
Grief barrels forward. For me grief is a formulation of appreciating joy and relishing sadness. For the two are virtually inseparable. Grief is coming to terms that certain dreams must forever remain dreams; no matter how hard they are fought for. I can acknowledge the reason for my grief. My love of Kate in her life was so deep, so understood, so mutual. I don't grieve over our past; I grieve for what I will never have with her in my future.
I am watching a sister and a friend grieve over their own punctured or broken dreams. Grief doesn't have to born out of death; it can be born simply from a dream not ever being able to be realized. A sister, my sister gave birth to a baby girl on October 10, 2006. My niece entered this world with 10 fingers and 10 toes and 4 congenital heart defects. These defects fixable only by open heart surgery before she is six months old. I do not believe that the specific grief I am referencing will lead back to my niece. I believe the grief that is being generated at this moment belongs to my sister. She has already begun reshaping her point of reference from having two beautiful, healthy daughters to something that is now a new reality. This new normal consists of 2 beautiful daughters one who is healthy and may lead a normal life. And another daughter who will have to be nurtured in areas that do not involve contact sports and involves embracing individuality. Grief is relative; I cannot understand my sister's pain, possible guilt, and her humanness in regards to this situation. Emerson's birth is by no means a point of grief in itself. It is only a testament to something that was originally believed. It is now about creating new dreams and new visions for this daughter of hers. A friend, one of the best friends I could have is mourning a loss of a dream that was awoken from before it had actually even started. It does not make the pain any less; for the dream had already begun and taken hold. In both situations the sadness, regret and grief stem from what the original possibilities meant. The grief stems from a future we had anticipated and even come to expect. As humans we should know never to look past today for as sacred as each moment is; it too is temporary.
posted by amandakate at 9:11 PM
2 Comments:
Thank you Antonio for your kind words and wishes. I find myself constantly tripping over myself to identify grief; mine and those close to me. If you can relate than I am doing at least a little something right. Thanks for reading!
Amanda
amanda, i am so glad to know you as another version of myself. thank you for holding this mirror; i appreciate your empathy, compassion and your general way of being in the world. kate is gone, and we are left standing; if i hold my breath, sometimes i fear the memory will turn to dust. through the other's grief, my process is nurtured, given a name.
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