goodnight alistar

I was reminded today of life. I awoke fresh from a dream where there were many large deer, with antlers and all. I also had a couple hazy glimpses of baby fawns. I walked this morning careful not to step on the tiniest, fresh yellow flowers between the just sprung dandelions. I would have assured you that these were not here yesterday. May 1st, hello life and beauty and spring, blossoms, blue skies, hummingbirds, bees, and shady patches. Hello Life!

I read something this morning about saying goodbye to parts of myself. It is okay to bury parts of me. We shed our old skin with old pain. I do not need to hold on any longer to these negative ideas, images, thoughts about myself. It reminds me of this poem called, A Dark Garden, by Brian Andreas from Story People:

I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts
but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things
to do.

In this idea of shedding the negative and accepting the positive I was reminded for the second time today about life. It is this life, and only this life, that we have. I have a finite amount of time to make a difference in my life. I do not want to be a good person, I want to be great. This search cannot be one of mediocrity. Sometimes I expect that it will be an easy journey. I am then reminded in the most powerful ways that this life is not to be negotiated so easily. Today's sign came from my friend Kate's best friend in childhood and in life. Kate took her own life in November. It remains as tragic and shocking as it was in those first few moments upon finding out. She was my love. I have never met Jean, nor have I ever spoken with her. It is through this miraculous web of technology that I can be contacted by friends of Kate. Anyhow, she reached out to say hello and to hopefully touch someone who has been as crippled by this loss as she has. She succeeded. It is through Kate's death that I know I must choose life; every day. There was a time in my life where I was bound by my inability to make a choice. In order for me to continue surviving and thriving, I must remind myself daily that I have a choice. If it is necessary for me to examine the root of Kate's actions, that she felt she had no choice, to remember that pain and crises is temporary, than I will visit that painful memory everyday for the rest of my life.

My dad put Alistar down today. And life is celebrated once more through its passing. A chapter closes. I miss him already. Is it awful to say though, that part of me will miss most of what he symbolized: my innocence, my blossoming, my set-backs and my growth. I was a teenager when I greeted Albo. I say goodbye to him as a woman on the other side of her mid-twenties.

Today's overwhelming theme was life, and the celebration of it. I am not to forget to celebrate. My wish is that you won't forget either.