picking up the crumbles

First is shock. Things freeze, the world falls away; I can't breathe.

The next thing I know my phone is ringing, my alarm is going off; shit, my taxes are due. It is my friend's birthday and her gift is on my dresser; must remember to call her and sing "happy birthday". Life walks on. As much as I want to hold on to my mistakes; i have to let them go. They are no longer my burden to bear. They are simply a part of my past. I am questioning everything about me, no longer settling for the unknown, the "I don't knows". I am better than that. I owe myself an explanation. If I cannot give him the answers I better damn well be able to give myself the answers.

So I write, and I write about today, because the possibility of tomorrow hurts. But today was good. I did it. I got the job done. I went to work, I laughed, and I didn't die of shame or embarassment. I didn't even choke on my regrets. Instead, I focused on why I am ashamed, embarassed, and find myself in so many situations I end up regretting. I foresee much focusing in my future.

And in case you were wondering, I did get my taxes in. Even before midnight.