heart out of service

I cannot write my heart. This is new for me. It is broken, my heart; not my writing. I am not supposed to be thinking about my heart. I am supposed to be doing a fearless moral inventory. How can fearless be in my vocabulary when everything right now is so frightening. I am so frighteningly alone. And I did this. I am alone because i thought my love for someone else would save me. Instead in a night(or many nights and days) it was destroyed. At what point did it become so hard to accept myself, to love myself, to offer myself forgiveness? Why is there so much self-hatred and so much self destruction in all that I do? Why do I always find myself asking these questions? I dont care to ask questions any longer. I want the change. I want to believe in myself. What would that be like? I want to know, and I want to know it from experience. But right now I am crumbling.