accidental shortcuts

I cried for you this morning. I cannot tell if they were tears of disappointment, frustration, shame, or loneliness. I suspect they were a little bit of everything. I miss you. I thought we could really do this. I found my passion and you lost yours, the cruel reality of irony. We walk forward; not together, or side by side, we walk on.

I dream of you every night. You love me, you leave me, you hate me, you kiss me. I wake up in the morning confused and tormented and so much in love. I am sad. There is no other way around it. I keep thinking of going back and changing things; if I could, but would that have made any difference? Somehow I think I just found an accidental shortcut. I would have traveled the road with you.

I do not even know if I can call it a break up. I don't know what to say other than I lost you. And I hate to lose. But I need to be loved; passionately, deeply, unconditionally. I feel that your love for me has waned in all of those areas. Watching you sort your love for me was one of the most painful things I have witnessed. I want you but it can't be at the cost of me. You knew that before I did. You always know.

I want to hold on; but I can't convince you to take part in something you are not sure you want to do. I can't afford the unknowing. I came to you asking, but we both know there was more demanding. I hid it behind my tear stained cheeks, and my many apologies. I disguised my demands, but they were met with devastating consequences.

This is so hard for me to write, I question every word as if you will read it. You may, you may deliberately not. I am asking you to believe in passion, and love, and that undying sense of longing that at one time or another you had for me. Can you bring that back? Would you want to?

Maybe later I will talk about me. I just miss you and can at least focus some of my energy here instead of bombarding you with partially thought out emails.

Back to life