The mechanical echo of suicide

I am sad. In my head I feel broken. I miss my friend. I feel betrayed. I am supposed to believe that i could not have done anything for her. I have alluded to Kate in previous posts. The one who killed herself. I find myself apologizing when I speak about her. Who wants to share in my sadness. I feel like this is mine alone to bear. I wonder if that's how she felt. Her sadness was only her own. Was it an inability to trust her friends? Or is it my inability to trust myself that I am more to my friends than a sounding board. Maybe my inability to move forward or my inability to share this with anyone lies in my own self-loathing. Why can't I seperate her death from my problems? Am I making myself a victim again, or am I grieving?

I was trying to find Kate's obituary online last week and i stumbled across an article in Georgetown University's paper. The headline read, "second year law student found dead in home". It was such a cold article. I don't remember if it had her name or not; it did state suicide. I don't recall if it mentioned she was found hanging in her bathroom. Funny, because these are the images that I constantly recall. How can an article written in December make her death real to me today? It wasn't enough for me to speak to her friends, her sister; but an article found through search engine, Google solidified this reality. The line now between life and death is blurred through technology.

I found out about Kate's death via the message board on my friendster account. I thought we were better friends than that. I was assured later by her sister that it was simply a sad oversight that my new phone number hadn't yet made it into Kate's cell phone. This makes sense because I had emailed it to her just a couple of weeks before. I found Kate and I's mutual friends and found support through email. I would search every inch of Kate's profile to see if there were any clues that could have forshadowed this tragedy. All that was blaringly ironic was the little button that said, "Send Kate a Message Now" and that she had been signed on in the last 72 hours. Oh God it was still so fresh. I guess now it has been about 6 months and I still look at it once in awhile. In truth I am sure that I will look at it for as long as it remains on line.

I find that technology in this situation is comforting in one moment and haunting in the next. I am trying to seek constant answers to a question that will never be answered. When Kate took her life she took with her all the understanding that went along with her actions. The depth of pain is dizzying to me. Honestly, I don't know how I'm coping with it. I hurt, and sometimes when I find myself crying about weird things, I think in those instances I am trying only to find an excuse to mourn my friend.

I wish us both peace

the night i said goodbye

I am trying something different. I am going to practice a little fiction. I need to explore this part of my writing. Thanks for understanding!!!

10:17pm
When I said goodnight to you I knew the curtain was dropping quickly on your life. I didn't think it was time for our show to be over. I begged for an encore, and you begged for peace. I should have listened to your heart but I could not hear it over my own. Your body is still warm beside me. But I know what's to come and I don't know if I can bear it. You told me to be strong and carry on in my life. I told you I would make you proud. I listen to your shallow breaths and I want to breathe for you.

12:20am
How do I let you go? What I mean by that, is how do I not go crazy without you? Now its my turn for shallow breaths. I should be the one dying; I am not strong enough for this. You were always the stronger one. How come you are leaving me? How can you do this to me? Why would you hurt me like this; all I ever did was love you. I hate you.

12:33am
I have to move around. I walk from the living room to the kitchen and around the coffee table you always hit with your shin. I remember hearing you swear under your breath, "God damn, son of a bitch, fucking table!". You used to have such a strong whisper. Now I read your lips when you try to speak. Again, I can't breathe. I know that I should be with you, laying with you. I know that you need me now more than you have ever needed anything in your life. And yet, I am unable to do anything about that. You wanna know the worst part about all of this, you understand. You get why I am not right next to you holding you. You know that more than anything it is breaking me not to be by your side. But I can't do it. Oh shit, I am going to be sick. What am I going to do without you? What am I going to do? I am losing my life too.


1:04am
I hear you crying and for a moment I am paralyzed. I wonder if this is it. I am frightened. I am not a little scared, I am terrified of what I am supposed to be doing right now. I was not meant to be with you. How am I supposed to comfort you when I cannot begin to acknowledge what is happening? You are dying and I am living. There is nothing right with that fact. There is nothing right in knowing that you are dying. I am rocking in my dark kitchen, our dark kitchen. The cat is under the table swishing his tail as if it were a pendulum. I count 5 swings and I get up. I am walking to you. I will be the man you think that I am.

1:49am
I lie beside you and hold your hand. I rub the ridge where your wedding ring used to fit. You lost so much weight we had to put it on a chain and hang it around your neck. I picked out that ring for you on the 1 year anniversary of our first date. It took me three more years to propose. You know this story already. I never told you though that I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you halfway through my chicken marsala that first night. And here we are, you are spending the rest of your life with me; it feels like the rest of my life is already spent. I beg God not to take you. I have never been a religious man but if there is something that can allow me to keep you a bit longer I will try.

2:28am
Your sleep comes in waves. I watch you open your eyes. I think you are checking on me. How fitting for you to worry about me right now. You were always the worrier. I used to tell you to let it go. Why can't I take my own advice? I hear hollowness in my old thoughts. I know that I said earlier that I hated you; but it is me that I hate. I am a weak man. I cannot let you leave but I cannot keep you here. I do not know what to tell Maddie and Joey. Oh my god, do not die on me. Please God, please God, please God...

3:18am
I am losing you. After everything, I am losing. I am not a bad man. You are the most beautiful woman; spirit and physical. My breath still catches when I see you. Your words have soothed me from the very beginning. We have lost a lot. I hear you tell the kids that we all have our own angels to guide us, show us, take us and hold us. You were my angel. You saved me and I cannot save you. I will hold you now.

3:57am
Your breathing is becoming raspy and you try to open your eyes. I speak to you now. I tell you that I will never love another like I love you. I kiss that spot behind your ear that always drove you crazy. I want to believe I saw a glimmer of a smirk. Most of all I want to believe in Heaven, I tell you I want to believe in you. You squeeze my hand. I assure you that I will be the best father to our children. I will make sure they have your kindness, after all it is your heart they have. I promise you that we will always be a family. I see a tear slide out of your closed eye. You can hear me... I break right now. Oh God, I love you. I say this to you over and over while I rock you. I sob into you. I do not want right now to end, no matter how painful it is. I am so frightened to take the next step. I am so frightened to say goodbye.

6:16
You died early Wednesday morning in my arms. I cradled you until I heard one of the kids downstairs. I looked up to see Maddie. She was standing on the other side of the room. I wanted to cry for my daughter, for my son. I wanted to cry for me. All I could do was cry for my wife that I held in my arms, whose light vanished long before it should have. Maddie broke the silence, she told me to stop crying. She said, "Daddy, mama is sitting upstairs on my bed and she told me to tell you to let go." She walked over to me, and put her hand on her mom's lifeless body. She said goodbye. It is not so easy for me. I close my eyes while you are still in my arms. I dream of you and I reach out my hand. You grab it, I can feel you holding my hand. Don't ever let go, i say again and again.

It's okay Daddy, I am here and I won't ever let go. My daughter is the first thing I see when i open my tired eyes. She has her mother's soothing voice. Joey is behind her standing with the strength of a man at the tender age of 11. I lay their mother down on her bed, and i pick up my kids. We sit there for a very long time trying to hold on to every fleeting second.

...in wonderland

I caught myself writing about the ways I don't measure up; trying to make a good story out of it. I forgot about imperfection. In less than a week I forgot that I don't need to be perfect. I already cut my marionette strings, but the body never forgets. It is time for my fine line walking to become a bit smudged. I think too much, too many metaphors.

I watched Alice in Wonderland on Saturday night. It must have been at least 15 years since I had seen it last. I remembered watching it for the very first time. I was 4 and living on a farm with my mom and dad, as well as: Elliot, our goat; 16 cows;2 cats, Samson and Delilah; Hickory and Cassidy, our golden retriever and german shepard, repsectively. Oh yeah, there were 11 puppies mothered by Hickory and fathered by Cassidy. I learned about Alice and her cat Dinah the day that it became spring. It was the morning I woke up and all the trees had leaves on them. Just like that, overnight, it was spring. Alice's flowers were singing about a golden afternoon while I was weaving through the gold-flecked cornfields on my own afternoon. The caterpillar was questioning Alice on a mushroom while my mom and I would be picking mushrooms down the street. Not only did I remember the Cheshire cat, but I whispered goodnight to him every quarter. It is not just about the great memories during this time in my life. I had great feelings. The Mad Hatter reminded me of the joy that surfaced in my early years. I found my own definition of nostalgia. I find it in the way my eyes close and my head shakes softly; I find it in the way I catch my breath and I feel it in my small nod of appreciation for beautiful life moments. I nod in acceptance and appreciation for the many memories that ride the wave of nostalgia.

I can navigate this wonderland, after all, I created it.

Pugs Rule

cool slideshow.

hodgepodge for 200, Alex

I am listening to a new cd my mom got for me. The singer is Mindy Smith and I can tell I like her already. It is nice that my mom knows me so well. I also bought a new book today called Never Let Me Go; I want to read it right now. I am in a mood. One where I want to do everything and all at once. It is a feeling reminiscent of getting out of school for summer, that moment right when the bell goes off and you are free for three whole months. The options are swarming in front of me. I am just so tired right now. I had a horrible allergy attack this morning and it took a lot out of me.

However, right now is sublime, kinda like summer. I am drinking a summer brew by Sam Adams. I took a shower when I got home to wash the work funk off of me. I am anticipating my exciting night that will surely consist of Jeopardy!, reading, Lost, more reading, possible more writing. I really revel in my time. I am contemplating what to say and what to write; something, anything to keep you, the reader enchanted by my words. I am at a loss. Or I am at a gain. I am okay and happy therefore not soaking up the drama that I generally create in my wake. It is nice for once to appreciate my boorish tendencies. I really like saying I am okay. I am okay. hehe, it makes me smile. What a comfort to know that I am okay (haha I said it again) alright I am rambling in silly directions. Time to watch Jeopardy!

goodnight alistar

I was reminded today of life. I awoke fresh from a dream where there were many large deer, with antlers and all. I also had a couple hazy glimpses of baby fawns. I walked this morning careful not to step on the tiniest, fresh yellow flowers between the just sprung dandelions. I would have assured you that these were not here yesterday. May 1st, hello life and beauty and spring, blossoms, blue skies, hummingbirds, bees, and shady patches. Hello Life!

I read something this morning about saying goodbye to parts of myself. It is okay to bury parts of me. We shed our old skin with old pain. I do not need to hold on any longer to these negative ideas, images, thoughts about myself. It reminds me of this poem called, A Dark Garden, by Brian Andreas from Story People:

I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts
but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things
to do.

In this idea of shedding the negative and accepting the positive I was reminded for the second time today about life. It is this life, and only this life, that we have. I have a finite amount of time to make a difference in my life. I do not want to be a good person, I want to be great. This search cannot be one of mediocrity. Sometimes I expect that it will be an easy journey. I am then reminded in the most powerful ways that this life is not to be negotiated so easily. Today's sign came from my friend Kate's best friend in childhood and in life. Kate took her own life in November. It remains as tragic and shocking as it was in those first few moments upon finding out. She was my love. I have never met Jean, nor have I ever spoken with her. It is through this miraculous web of technology that I can be contacted by friends of Kate. Anyhow, she reached out to say hello and to hopefully touch someone who has been as crippled by this loss as she has. She succeeded. It is through Kate's death that I know I must choose life; every day. There was a time in my life where I was bound by my inability to make a choice. In order for me to continue surviving and thriving, I must remind myself daily that I have a choice. If it is necessary for me to examine the root of Kate's actions, that she felt she had no choice, to remember that pain and crises is temporary, than I will visit that painful memory everyday for the rest of my life.

My dad put Alistar down today. And life is celebrated once more through its passing. A chapter closes. I miss him already. Is it awful to say though, that part of me will miss most of what he symbolized: my innocence, my blossoming, my set-backs and my growth. I was a teenager when I greeted Albo. I say goodbye to him as a woman on the other side of her mid-twenties.

Today's overwhelming theme was life, and the celebration of it. I am not to forget to celebrate. My wish is that you won't forget either.