The mechanical echo of suicide
I am sad. In my head I feel broken. I miss my friend. I feel betrayed. I am supposed to believe that i could not have done anything for her. I have alluded to Kate in previous posts. The one who killed herself. I find myself apologizing when I speak about her. Who wants to share in my sadness. I feel like this is mine alone to bear. I wonder if that's how she felt. Her sadness was only her own. Was it an inability to trust her friends? Or is it my inability to trust myself that I am more to my friends than a sounding board. Maybe my inability to move forward or my inability to share this with anyone lies in my own self-loathing. Why can't I seperate her death from my problems? Am I making myself a victim again, or am I grieving?
I was trying to find Kate's obituary online last week and i stumbled across an article in Georgetown University's paper. The headline read, "second year law student found dead in home". It was such a cold article. I don't remember if it had her name or not; it did state suicide. I don't recall if it mentioned she was found hanging in her bathroom. Funny, because these are the images that I constantly recall. How can an article written in December make her death real to me today? It wasn't enough for me to speak to her friends, her sister; but an article found through search engine, Google solidified this reality. The line now between life and death is blurred through technology.
I found out about Kate's death via the message board on my friendster account. I thought we were better friends than that. I was assured later by her sister that it was simply a sad oversight that my new phone number hadn't yet made it into Kate's cell phone. This makes sense because I had emailed it to her just a couple of weeks before. I found Kate and I's mutual friends and found support through email. I would search every inch of Kate's profile to see if there were any clues that could have forshadowed this tragedy. All that was blaringly ironic was the little button that said, "Send Kate a Message Now" and that she had been signed on in the last 72 hours. Oh God it was still so fresh. I guess now it has been about 6 months and I still look at it once in awhile. In truth I am sure that I will look at it for as long as it remains on line.
I find that technology in this situation is comforting in one moment and haunting in the next. I am trying to seek constant answers to a question that will never be answered. When Kate took her life she took with her all the understanding that went along with her actions. The depth of pain is dizzying to me. Honestly, I don't know how I'm coping with it. I hurt, and sometimes when I find myself crying about weird things, I think in those instances I am trying only to find an excuse to mourn my friend.
I wish us both peace
I was trying to find Kate's obituary online last week and i stumbled across an article in Georgetown University's paper. The headline read, "second year law student found dead in home". It was such a cold article. I don't remember if it had her name or not; it did state suicide. I don't recall if it mentioned she was found hanging in her bathroom. Funny, because these are the images that I constantly recall. How can an article written in December make her death real to me today? It wasn't enough for me to speak to her friends, her sister; but an article found through search engine, Google solidified this reality. The line now between life and death is blurred through technology.
I found out about Kate's death via the message board on my friendster account. I thought we were better friends than that. I was assured later by her sister that it was simply a sad oversight that my new phone number hadn't yet made it into Kate's cell phone. This makes sense because I had emailed it to her just a couple of weeks before. I found Kate and I's mutual friends and found support through email. I would search every inch of Kate's profile to see if there were any clues that could have forshadowed this tragedy. All that was blaringly ironic was the little button that said, "Send Kate a Message Now" and that she had been signed on in the last 72 hours. Oh God it was still so fresh. I guess now it has been about 6 months and I still look at it once in awhile. In truth I am sure that I will look at it for as long as it remains on line.
I find that technology in this situation is comforting in one moment and haunting in the next. I am trying to seek constant answers to a question that will never be answered. When Kate took her life she took with her all the understanding that went along with her actions. The depth of pain is dizzying to me. Honestly, I don't know how I'm coping with it. I hurt, and sometimes when I find myself crying about weird things, I think in those instances I am trying only to find an excuse to mourn my friend.
I wish us both peace
posted by amandakate at 3:28 PM
1 Comments:
This was a very old post and I hope you have found peace. People often ask so many questions regarding a suicide, as one who knows, let
me assure you that nobody could have helped your friend. People tend to close up about be so down and depressed. In my own case I had lost all hope and faith and it was excruciating to have to live one more minute when I didn't want to. I was saved at the very last minute by someone who loves me. I hope to earn that. Peace, Love and Joy to you.
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