the night i said goodbye
I am trying something different. I am going to practice a little fiction. I need to explore this part of my writing. Thanks for understanding!!!
10:17pm
When I said goodnight to you I knew the curtain was dropping quickly on your life. I didn't think it was time for our show to be over. I begged for an encore, and you begged for peace. I should have listened to your heart but I could not hear it over my own. Your body is still warm beside me. But I know what's to come and I don't know if I can bear it. You told me to be strong and carry on in my life. I told you I would make you proud. I listen to your shallow breaths and I want to breathe for you.
12:20am
How do I let you go? What I mean by that, is how do I not go crazy without you? Now its my turn for shallow breaths. I should be the one dying; I am not strong enough for this. You were always the stronger one. How come you are leaving me? How can you do this to me? Why would you hurt me like this; all I ever did was love you. I hate you.
12:33am
I have to move around. I walk from the living room to the kitchen and around the coffee table you always hit with your shin. I remember hearing you swear under your breath, "God damn, son of a bitch, fucking table!". You used to have such a strong whisper. Now I read your lips when you try to speak. Again, I can't breathe. I know that I should be with you, laying with you. I know that you need me now more than you have ever needed anything in your life. And yet, I am unable to do anything about that. You wanna know the worst part about all of this, you understand. You get why I am not right next to you holding you. You know that more than anything it is breaking me not to be by your side. But I can't do it. Oh shit, I am going to be sick. What am I going to do without you? What am I going to do? I am losing my life too.
1:04am
I hear you crying and for a moment I am paralyzed. I wonder if this is it. I am frightened. I am not a little scared, I am terrified of what I am supposed to be doing right now. I was not meant to be with you. How am I supposed to comfort you when I cannot begin to acknowledge what is happening? You are dying and I am living. There is nothing right with that fact. There is nothing right in knowing that you are dying. I am rocking in my dark kitchen, our dark kitchen. The cat is under the table swishing his tail as if it were a pendulum. I count 5 swings and I get up. I am walking to you. I will be the man you think that I am.
1:49am
I lie beside you and hold your hand. I rub the ridge where your wedding ring used to fit. You lost so much weight we had to put it on a chain and hang it around your neck. I picked out that ring for you on the 1 year anniversary of our first date. It took me three more years to propose. You know this story already. I never told you though that I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you halfway through my chicken marsala that first night. And here we are, you are spending the rest of your life with me; it feels like the rest of my life is already spent. I beg God not to take you. I have never been a religious man but if there is something that can allow me to keep you a bit longer I will try.
2:28am
Your sleep comes in waves. I watch you open your eyes. I think you are checking on me. How fitting for you to worry about me right now. You were always the worrier. I used to tell you to let it go. Why can't I take my own advice? I hear hollowness in my old thoughts. I know that I said earlier that I hated you; but it is me that I hate. I am a weak man. I cannot let you leave but I cannot keep you here. I do not know what to tell Maddie and Joey. Oh my god, do not die on me. Please God, please God, please God...
3:18am
I am losing you. After everything, I am losing. I am not a bad man. You are the most beautiful woman; spirit and physical. My breath still catches when I see you. Your words have soothed me from the very beginning. We have lost a lot. I hear you tell the kids that we all have our own angels to guide us, show us, take us and hold us. You were my angel. You saved me and I cannot save you. I will hold you now.
3:57am
Your breathing is becoming raspy and you try to open your eyes. I speak to you now. I tell you that I will never love another like I love you. I kiss that spot behind your ear that always drove you crazy. I want to believe I saw a glimmer of a smirk. Most of all I want to believe in Heaven, I tell you I want to believe in you. You squeeze my hand. I assure you that I will be the best father to our children. I will make sure they have your kindness, after all it is your heart they have. I promise you that we will always be a family. I see a tear slide out of your closed eye. You can hear me... I break right now. Oh God, I love you. I say this to you over and over while I rock you. I sob into you. I do not want right now to end, no matter how painful it is. I am so frightened to take the next step. I am so frightened to say goodbye.
6:16
You died early Wednesday morning in my arms. I cradled you until I heard one of the kids downstairs. I looked up to see Maddie. She was standing on the other side of the room. I wanted to cry for my daughter, for my son. I wanted to cry for me. All I could do was cry for my wife that I held in my arms, whose light vanished long before it should have. Maddie broke the silence, she told me to stop crying. She said, "Daddy, mama is sitting upstairs on my bed and she told me to tell you to let go." She walked over to me, and put her hand on her mom's lifeless body. She said goodbye. It is not so easy for me. I close my eyes while you are still in my arms. I dream of you and I reach out my hand. You grab it, I can feel you holding my hand. Don't ever let go, i say again and again.
It's okay Daddy, I am here and I won't ever let go. My daughter is the first thing I see when i open my tired eyes. She has her mother's soothing voice. Joey is behind her standing with the strength of a man at the tender age of 11. I lay their mother down on her bed, and i pick up my kids. We sit there for a very long time trying to hold on to every fleeting second.
10:17pm
When I said goodnight to you I knew the curtain was dropping quickly on your life. I didn't think it was time for our show to be over. I begged for an encore, and you begged for peace. I should have listened to your heart but I could not hear it over my own. Your body is still warm beside me. But I know what's to come and I don't know if I can bear it. You told me to be strong and carry on in my life. I told you I would make you proud. I listen to your shallow breaths and I want to breathe for you.
12:20am
How do I let you go? What I mean by that, is how do I not go crazy without you? Now its my turn for shallow breaths. I should be the one dying; I am not strong enough for this. You were always the stronger one. How come you are leaving me? How can you do this to me? Why would you hurt me like this; all I ever did was love you. I hate you.
12:33am
I have to move around. I walk from the living room to the kitchen and around the coffee table you always hit with your shin. I remember hearing you swear under your breath, "God damn, son of a bitch, fucking table!". You used to have such a strong whisper. Now I read your lips when you try to speak. Again, I can't breathe. I know that I should be with you, laying with you. I know that you need me now more than you have ever needed anything in your life. And yet, I am unable to do anything about that. You wanna know the worst part about all of this, you understand. You get why I am not right next to you holding you. You know that more than anything it is breaking me not to be by your side. But I can't do it. Oh shit, I am going to be sick. What am I going to do without you? What am I going to do? I am losing my life too.
1:04am
I hear you crying and for a moment I am paralyzed. I wonder if this is it. I am frightened. I am not a little scared, I am terrified of what I am supposed to be doing right now. I was not meant to be with you. How am I supposed to comfort you when I cannot begin to acknowledge what is happening? You are dying and I am living. There is nothing right with that fact. There is nothing right in knowing that you are dying. I am rocking in my dark kitchen, our dark kitchen. The cat is under the table swishing his tail as if it were a pendulum. I count 5 swings and I get up. I am walking to you. I will be the man you think that I am.
1:49am
I lie beside you and hold your hand. I rub the ridge where your wedding ring used to fit. You lost so much weight we had to put it on a chain and hang it around your neck. I picked out that ring for you on the 1 year anniversary of our first date. It took me three more years to propose. You know this story already. I never told you though that I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you halfway through my chicken marsala that first night. And here we are, you are spending the rest of your life with me; it feels like the rest of my life is already spent. I beg God not to take you. I have never been a religious man but if there is something that can allow me to keep you a bit longer I will try.
2:28am
Your sleep comes in waves. I watch you open your eyes. I think you are checking on me. How fitting for you to worry about me right now. You were always the worrier. I used to tell you to let it go. Why can't I take my own advice? I hear hollowness in my old thoughts. I know that I said earlier that I hated you; but it is me that I hate. I am a weak man. I cannot let you leave but I cannot keep you here. I do not know what to tell Maddie and Joey. Oh my god, do not die on me. Please God, please God, please God...
3:18am
I am losing you. After everything, I am losing. I am not a bad man. You are the most beautiful woman; spirit and physical. My breath still catches when I see you. Your words have soothed me from the very beginning. We have lost a lot. I hear you tell the kids that we all have our own angels to guide us, show us, take us and hold us. You were my angel. You saved me and I cannot save you. I will hold you now.
3:57am
Your breathing is becoming raspy and you try to open your eyes. I speak to you now. I tell you that I will never love another like I love you. I kiss that spot behind your ear that always drove you crazy. I want to believe I saw a glimmer of a smirk. Most of all I want to believe in Heaven, I tell you I want to believe in you. You squeeze my hand. I assure you that I will be the best father to our children. I will make sure they have your kindness, after all it is your heart they have. I promise you that we will always be a family. I see a tear slide out of your closed eye. You can hear me... I break right now. Oh God, I love you. I say this to you over and over while I rock you. I sob into you. I do not want right now to end, no matter how painful it is. I am so frightened to take the next step. I am so frightened to say goodbye.
6:16
You died early Wednesday morning in my arms. I cradled you until I heard one of the kids downstairs. I looked up to see Maddie. She was standing on the other side of the room. I wanted to cry for my daughter, for my son. I wanted to cry for me. All I could do was cry for my wife that I held in my arms, whose light vanished long before it should have. Maddie broke the silence, she told me to stop crying. She said, "Daddy, mama is sitting upstairs on my bed and she told me to tell you to let go." She walked over to me, and put her hand on her mom's lifeless body. She said goodbye. It is not so easy for me. I close my eyes while you are still in my arms. I dream of you and I reach out my hand. You grab it, I can feel you holding my hand. Don't ever let go, i say again and again.
It's okay Daddy, I am here and I won't ever let go. My daughter is the first thing I see when i open my tired eyes. She has her mother's soothing voice. Joey is behind her standing with the strength of a man at the tender age of 11. I lay their mother down on her bed, and i pick up my kids. We sit there for a very long time trying to hold on to every fleeting second.
posted by amandakate at 3:54 PM
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