Memories Committed

It seems life happens during the most obscure moments, spaces, places. Memories created after a split second interaction. Music plays the overture to these thoughts, times. I have always had a very strong associative memory. It is probably because this way I can insure that I will never disappear. I remember dates that remind me of other dates. I get that dates in themselves are arbitrary. They are simply a way of keeping everything from happening all at once. But I am marked by dates. I can rattle off to you the anniversaries of my life... first hospitalization, first kiss, first love, the day I met my best friend August 15, 1992. I can tell you that 4 years and one day later we documented this friendship in the form of a scrapbook that sits safely in my home, tucked away with other mementos from my life, more dates. This affinity for calendar days is one that I do not necessarily understand but it is also making an anniversary of something always about to pass. Happy ones, tragic ones, and very minute ones that somehow mean everything to me. I know I should be looking forward and focusing on what is to come as opposed to celebrating what has already happened. Yet, I don't feel as if i am living in the past I am simply finding small ways to celebrate what has happened and bringing it back into the present, bringing it back from somewhere so far away. I want to hold on to so much that I forget in order to embrace new things I need to let go a little bit.

Why is there so much fear in letting go? Is it necessary that i can tell you the dates of all of my major breakups? April 15th, July 8th, March 2nd, August 14, September 29... Those are memories that surely must clutter out other more important things, like the day my little brother took his first step or uttered the first word of a complex language. Sometimes I would like to just watch a sunset on fire, ignited from the underbelly of the setting sun; and not worry that I have to commit the date to memory, or how it reminds me of something that has already happened. Can I, Should I, let go? Probably. I just don't want to feel as if I am losing parts of myself as if they were dandelion seeds caught in the breath of someone else's wish.

I am not at a crossroads, I am not in trouble, peril, confusion... I am still just me trying to let go of some of the excess that no longer needs to be held on to. I have a lot of great new dates that await me. The aforementioned best friend who has many memories etched into my heart, categorized by dates, songs, and laughter; is expecting. A baby. She is having a baby. I joke with her, call her, ask how our baby is doing. It makes me giggle, the same way that our childhood memories make me laugh out loud. But she has 9 months of dates, already approximately 112 days have passed, to remember this journey. I wonder what memories she discarded in order to make room in her head for all that is about to come. I know that i am attempting my own spring cleaning of the brain. What a great time today is. April 30, what will I remember today for. Maybe I should just remember the carefree feeling and not the obligatory thoughts of committing this day to memory. I am trying...