Loss and Gain
I whispered a goodbye to my grandfather on a Wednesday after he had already passed. I screamed for a dear friend to give me her life back on a Tuesday. Thursday morning I called my Mum Mum; Grandad told me I missed her, she left in her sleep. I have heard death comes in waves of threes and sevens. I ache for the truth to lie in trines.
I have thought about death my entire life; my death, the cessation of my being. I could never consider the loss of my family. I never had to. August 3rd, 2005; that was the first time I was faced with this surreal pain. With my grandfather's passing, I felt loss, my own loss, yet there was a sense of renewel. I would miss him but he led a strong life and let go on his own terms. His dying on a Wednesday surprised me, he always said, "some Tuesday". I wanted to believe he was referencing his own death; foreseeing that one unknown. But it turns out that was the day my friend Kate would take her own life, 14 Tuesdays later. I can and have said goodbye to HB, but it is Kate's absence that brings a terrible ache and the complete inability to feel anything but her absolute absence.
Kate and I met in the JFK airport on our way to China. She told me that her inner magic 8 ball said our soulmate status was "decidedly so". How does one argue with that logic? I never did. Kate saved my life in China; and I couldn't save her. We both made choices, we both had the chance to choose. I chose my existence on my terms, she chose to live on in memories. I think she felt safer there. Can I blame her for her choice? No, not at all; but I miss my friend.
My grandmother passed away March 2nd. I sat on my floor and cried. I pitied myself. I want to say I was strong and I took it with grace. But I didn't. I cried for my losses, and the way they affected me. I cried for the way that all of these deaths hurt me. I cried because I did not know how to comfort myself and I didn't know anybody who I could go through the depths of my feelings with. The tide of emotions could have drowned me on their own. Though at some point I realized that it was not me who died. I kept living. I keep living.
These losses echo loudly everyday for me. It is true there is sadness in my life, but it is equally true that I have never appreciated my life like I do today and will tomorrow. I still cry, but I laugh now with smiling eyes. I suffered as everyone around me has. I realized in moments to victimize myself that death is the one pain every human being will encounter. In my effort to distinguish myself through my pain, I had to love myself for my humanness. I am not so different.
Though I feel a loss that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, I came to understand a truth that may have saved my spirit. I will never be alone. As a person I seek a community, truth be told that is why I am here. Hello, my name is Amanda and I am human. Welcome to my blog!
I have thought about death my entire life; my death, the cessation of my being. I could never consider the loss of my family. I never had to. August 3rd, 2005; that was the first time I was faced with this surreal pain. With my grandfather's passing, I felt loss, my own loss, yet there was a sense of renewel. I would miss him but he led a strong life and let go on his own terms. His dying on a Wednesday surprised me, he always said, "some Tuesday". I wanted to believe he was referencing his own death; foreseeing that one unknown. But it turns out that was the day my friend Kate would take her own life, 14 Tuesdays later. I can and have said goodbye to HB, but it is Kate's absence that brings a terrible ache and the complete inability to feel anything but her absolute absence.
Kate and I met in the JFK airport on our way to China. She told me that her inner magic 8 ball said our soulmate status was "decidedly so". How does one argue with that logic? I never did. Kate saved my life in China; and I couldn't save her. We both made choices, we both had the chance to choose. I chose my existence on my terms, she chose to live on in memories. I think she felt safer there. Can I blame her for her choice? No, not at all; but I miss my friend.
My grandmother passed away March 2nd. I sat on my floor and cried. I pitied myself. I want to say I was strong and I took it with grace. But I didn't. I cried for my losses, and the way they affected me. I cried for the way that all of these deaths hurt me. I cried because I did not know how to comfort myself and I didn't know anybody who I could go through the depths of my feelings with. The tide of emotions could have drowned me on their own. Though at some point I realized that it was not me who died. I kept living. I keep living.
These losses echo loudly everyday for me. It is true there is sadness in my life, but it is equally true that I have never appreciated my life like I do today and will tomorrow. I still cry, but I laugh now with smiling eyes. I suffered as everyone around me has. I realized in moments to victimize myself that death is the one pain every human being will encounter. In my effort to distinguish myself through my pain, I had to love myself for my humanness. I am not so different.
Though I feel a loss that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, I came to understand a truth that may have saved my spirit. I will never be alone. As a person I seek a community, truth be told that is why I am here. Hello, my name is Amanda and I am human. Welcome to my blog!
posted by amandakate at 7:04 PM
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