What is Family?
Today, families and bloodlines do not run parallel. This is my reality. I am one of six siblings; only two of which share half of my blood. I am equally close to those "blood" sisters as the other siblings who do not share this common defining force. I have a father, a real father, who chose me. He decided, before I ever could, that he would not only be my father, my guardian, but at the end of the day he chose to be my dad. This father of mine chose another child who didn't have his blood either. He saw past the black and white lines that an old society had declared law. I was there when this little brother of mine was delivered into this world. I saw God the day he was born. My family grew that day. My dad and his wife (who is also of no blood relation to me) gave birth to another baby boy two years later. I have two small brothers because these two were not blinded by blood bearing bindings. They are 22 and 24 years younger than I, respectively.
While I acknowledge this man who chose me as a daughter; I do not deny where I have come from. My biological father who was married to my mom; went on to remarry and have a family of his own. The woman he chose to start a new life with brought a daughter with her. She happens to be 3 months older than I am. Though it is physically impossible to have a blood sister who is three months older, I have this sister. She is as real to me as the lightning bugs we caught in the summers together over 20 years ago. Is family not history? That father whose blood pulses through my veins had two more daughters. They are my half sisters. I certainly declare them as my sisters though. They are as related to me as my two young brothers and my older sister. I have a family that is not bound together by the old rule that you cannot choose your family; you are born into them.
There are people out there who stand by the belief that blood is binding. To me they have not had the chance to experience the opportunity to choose a family. I beg them; have you not ever asked a friend into your family? Have you never considered another as a part of your heart, a part of you? To me this is what family is. I wonder about those who adhere to these strict definitions of family and if they are truly happy to draw the line at such a rigid point.
I am the length of the country away from my home to sit with my sister who shares no relation to me. I sit there gazing at her daughter, my niece, who just had a life saving operation; and I do not question that I am her family. I sit there thankful that I am welcomed into such an intense life experience. There are siblings out there who do not talk. Years go by and it is painful for them to pick up the phone; but since they share the same blood they are more honorable than us who don't? This is not a subtle discussion for me. Often, I do feel as if I have to defend my relationships with these siblings of mine who either vary so much in age or in distance. This challenge does not make me wonder if I am not their family; it only forces me to acknowledge the pain that I have that I was unable to grow up in an environment that was so indicative of this seemingly common experience. You see I was raised an only child. As I say this I do not wish to change what I had; I only am bearing witness to an experience that I certainly didn’t have. But I do not believe that it warrants the right to say that any of these people are not my family.
I saw my sister and her husband comfort each other in ways only an intimate couple know how to do. Things that only family know how to do. I understand that marriage is a ceremonial platform to declare that two people are joined as family; however do they only become family at that exact moment in time where the "I do" is uttered? I beg to differ; at some point these two people realized they had a bond before they chose to formally commit. Do we, as people not seek these connections on a daily basis? Do we not seek this behavior in a partner, in a friend? If you do not, I beg for you to challenge me.
The best thing about true family is that they never make you choose. That is when you know who has decided to stand beside you. Yes, disappointment is inevitable when there are multiple people that are being dealt with. Homes, holidays and hearts are implicit with families. Though, there will never be a line drawn saying you may not be with this person/family. They let you go; heavy hearts and all. We all face a sense of loss when those who mean so much to us choose to be elsewhere. But a family picks up the pieces and understands that no matter what, everyone still stands united no matter how far apart.
What is family? A family, to me, is an unspoken pinky swear; with all of its simplicity and complexity.
While I acknowledge this man who chose me as a daughter; I do not deny where I have come from. My biological father who was married to my mom; went on to remarry and have a family of his own. The woman he chose to start a new life with brought a daughter with her. She happens to be 3 months older than I am. Though it is physically impossible to have a blood sister who is three months older, I have this sister. She is as real to me as the lightning bugs we caught in the summers together over 20 years ago. Is family not history? That father whose blood pulses through my veins had two more daughters. They are my half sisters. I certainly declare them as my sisters though. They are as related to me as my two young brothers and my older sister. I have a family that is not bound together by the old rule that you cannot choose your family; you are born into them.
There are people out there who stand by the belief that blood is binding. To me they have not had the chance to experience the opportunity to choose a family. I beg them; have you not ever asked a friend into your family? Have you never considered another as a part of your heart, a part of you? To me this is what family is. I wonder about those who adhere to these strict definitions of family and if they are truly happy to draw the line at such a rigid point.
I am the length of the country away from my home to sit with my sister who shares no relation to me. I sit there gazing at her daughter, my niece, who just had a life saving operation; and I do not question that I am her family. I sit there thankful that I am welcomed into such an intense life experience. There are siblings out there who do not talk. Years go by and it is painful for them to pick up the phone; but since they share the same blood they are more honorable than us who don't? This is not a subtle discussion for me. Often, I do feel as if I have to defend my relationships with these siblings of mine who either vary so much in age or in distance. This challenge does not make me wonder if I am not their family; it only forces me to acknowledge the pain that I have that I was unable to grow up in an environment that was so indicative of this seemingly common experience. You see I was raised an only child. As I say this I do not wish to change what I had; I only am bearing witness to an experience that I certainly didn’t have. But I do not believe that it warrants the right to say that any of these people are not my family.
I saw my sister and her husband comfort each other in ways only an intimate couple know how to do. Things that only family know how to do. I understand that marriage is a ceremonial platform to declare that two people are joined as family; however do they only become family at that exact moment in time where the "I do" is uttered? I beg to differ; at some point these two people realized they had a bond before they chose to formally commit. Do we, as people not seek these connections on a daily basis? Do we not seek this behavior in a partner, in a friend? If you do not, I beg for you to challenge me.
The best thing about true family is that they never make you choose. That is when you know who has decided to stand beside you. Yes, disappointment is inevitable when there are multiple people that are being dealt with. Homes, holidays and hearts are implicit with families. Though, there will never be a line drawn saying you may not be with this person/family. They let you go; heavy hearts and all. We all face a sense of loss when those who mean so much to us choose to be elsewhere. But a family picks up the pieces and understands that no matter what, everyone still stands united no matter how far apart.
What is family? A family, to me, is an unspoken pinky swear; with all of its simplicity and complexity.
posted by amandakate at 8:33 PM
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