Moving On...

I remember reading somewhere that one of the greatest stress inducers besides death and public speaking is moving. After moving for the 11th time in 9 years, I believe that I can attest to this theory. However, there is an immeasurable amount of relief when one has completely moved out of an old dwelling and into a new one. I am again living by myself. It is the first time in 4 years and even though I am far from being settled I feel a kind of peace that has been lacking in my life for some time. It has nothing to do with the fact that I had roommate issues or anything like that, but has everything to do with taking one more step and being able to create a home that is in itself a great sanctuary.

I moved into this great complex in Old Town Scottsdale. It is a space of great energy and awesome tenants, two of who came to introduce themselves carrying three vodka tonics to my front door. We did the regular introductions followed by a toast to my moving into this community. Really? This actually happens to people? As the three of us sat overlooking the pool trading stories of how we all ended up here on this beautiful evening, our landlord walked up and welcomed me with a hug and a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I hadn’t even lived here for more than 12 hours and I was already among friends. For me to live by myself is a personal accomplishment that I am not taking lightly; financially, I am secure enough to live here, and socially there is no room for loneliness with the incredible friends I have around me.

The process of moving is a really hard thing for me to do. I notice that I tend to walk around in circles wondering where to start first. I believe everyone needs a friend that is willing to come over and keep you on track. Consider the bottle of wine they bring a sign of a great friend. The people that came to help me in my final hours at the old place was one of those things that just made me feel good. I always manage to find something in my life to be insecure about and it is usually that I have a very small group of friends, though, they are as solid of 100 friends. But I could not find an ounce of insecurity as I sat cleaning side by side with these people who mean so much to me.

The weather is getting warmer and my life is in the spring stages, blossoming in so many ways. I really feel as if I have come full circle. The phase of my life in my old apartment was full of tumultuous and wonderful memories tucked into a nice part of my mind. But moving out of there was equivalent to shedding this shell that I have constructed over the past few years. I noticed ways in which I still grieve for the people I lost in my life. I know that I will continue to heal in my own little ways but this time I get to come around when I choose to, and in my own space. Which happens to be such an incredibly intimate and caring environment. Right now, and how it just so happens to have been for an ongoing amount of time, I feel both blessed and proud. This pride is a new thing; it comes from acknowledging that I am where I am because of specific actions that I have taken. I am now able to say that I have a fun life because I do. It is only now that I know I have worked to create it and I feel like I deserve it. A toast: to finding comfort in personal space and holding onto the peace it creates.

Straight Up

Today is a Paula Abdul day. Not the American Idol Paula; but the Forever Your Girl Paula. The Paula that I had routines perfectly choreographed on my Minnie Mouse roller skates. The fact that I am listening to this album makes me feel, simultaneously, young and old. These songs can resurrect the exact feelings of my nine year-old-hip-self; i was the empress of cool. Her words channel straight to the euphoric part of my brain where my biggest concern was how to finagle my parents into letting me play outside later. One of my stock associates just came into my office while "Straight Up" was playing. He looked at me, then my speakers, chuckled, and then said, not asked, "What is this". Shell shocked, I responded that it was Paula Abdul. I said you don't know Paula Abdul? He said of course he knew who she was... I think his words were, "I watch American Idol, yeah I think I know who she is." I could have slipped in the puddle where his dripping sarcasm had collected.

Paula, for me, ranks right up there with Tiffany and The Bangles. I swear that those women shaped my life. Okay, maybe that is taking it a step too far, but they surely built a great city of memories in my mind. Side note from my head, celebrating the little things. Find something little to celebrate on this Eve of St. Patrick's Day!!

Past Life

We are interesting creatures, us humans. We have varying degrees of depth, love, understanding, and pain. We have even more ways to handle these emotions. In every encounter, no matter how great or how small, we gain insight into the people around us but more importantly we, ourselves, become magnified. We can gain infinite knowledge to who we are when we walk away from someone or even when we are the one being walked away from. I choose to believe in the power of a moment, because in that second of realization, it is already gone. A moment becomes the past, immediately. I made a choice when I chose life. I decided I would never again waste one second on regret, on thinking I hadn’t given everything I could to something. Things as small as reading my brothers a bedtime story, or even as great as choosing whom to love, I approach each of these instances with the exact same passion. This fervor does not come without its own set of complications. I have seen that there are few who approach life this way. I think that the combination of recognizing inflicted scars, loathing life, losing someone; it is through these tumultuous experiences those of us who survive are granted a beauty reserved for very few. Yes, I have been hurt and will be undoubtedly hurt again, but I will heal just as I always have. By having the ability to believe in the power of an exchange, the power of an opportunity, I will always have something to look forward to.

Over what has been nearly a year of writing this blog I have disclosed some very personal thoughts, thoughts that at times were truly unbearable. I found myself in chasms where breathing was the only connection holding me to this world. I have allowed hurt to creep into my life in various forms, various relationships, I have felt broken. It is only now that I am beginning to see that the shades of what I consider to be one of my greatest strengths entirely misunderstood. In my constant faith in goodness I have come across as being fragile, breakable, even unstable. This idea of holding onto something and being comfortable with the unknown allows me to be cognizant of my present. This awareness lends me to feeling things very deeply. I understand that by witnessing undeniably deep feelings ranging from elation to profound sadness, some may see these emotions of mine and label them as weakness. For reasons I can understand it seems I project this need to be rescued. Oddly enough it is I who feels that does the rescuing. This is certainly an in depth analysis brought about by a very recent break up. Yet, there is such familiarity in the words that are spoken to me, echoes of others wanting to save me and protect me. What a silly thing to focus on when the once shared experience has been finalized. I wish others to stop looking at me and my supposed need to be saved and start looking at why there seems to be more devotion after the fact. Yes, I am hurting right now, but I am not consumed by sadness and certainly not regret. I am creating my past, day-by-day. I am building my life, something that is uniquely mine. I have loved hard, and I promise I will never stop loving hard. It is with a distinct sadness that I move forward knowing that others shut down on purpose, never to be reopened. What a futile way to build a past.

This post is dedicated to many, all of whom I love, and will continue to love until the moment my life is nothing more than my past.